Turn out the other way round.

"Are you feeling stress? You don't seem to be in your normal happy-go-lucky mood these days."

Yeah. A friend of mine asked me this 2 days ago. This was literally true. I felt my soul was gone, I felt weak, I felt moody, what else? I am down to dilemma these days. Everything seemed to happen at the wrong time. Ever since I came to f4, I felt things really different if compared to the past days. I didn't realise that I can get emotional easily, never once. Yet, things had turned out another way round as I expected. Everything that happened recently made me feel tensed up at the same time. Sometimes, negative thoughts pop up in a sudden. I was trying to deny all these negative thoughts, yet, my mind can't stop picturing it. Why?
I questioned myself, "Am I creating all this problems that shouldn't have appeared in my life?"

People tend to throw out their feelings to whoever they are close with. However, I am typical type. I,myself know about it. I always afraid people might get annoy if I release all on them. I am willing to lend my shoulder for them who needs a good cry, I am willing to sacrifice both my ears for those who wants to release their unhappiness. But why? I can't stop questioning myself why, why, why, why?

Out of a sudden, this thought hit my mind. I rather choose to show them I am fine, smiling like I always do. Instead of reveals my unhappiness and depressing emotion on face. Sometimes, I was thinking about where is my good listener? I can be one, but where is mine? The matter actually is because of myself. It was all me. I never want to standout to voice it out. I always preferred to keep everything as low as possible. This somehow made me tired, I meant it. Both, mentally and physically tired.

Giving a piece of advice for people who are having troubles, suffering quietly at one edge is easy. As I always do this to my friends, my closest.. Nonetheless, I can't succeed in doing this to myself. I wonder why it only works on the other people, why not me, too? Regardless how hard, how strenuous, how persevere I have tried, it still does not work.

As the saying goes :

A smile a day keeps the pain away.

Somehow, this statement is not valid in me anymore. It does not cure the pain, instead I am still in agony.

I need a wide green field,
I need a blue calm ocean,
I need a refreshing hill,
I need a big warm hug,
I need a comfy cozy bed.



Perhaps, I need a wake up call, too?